Time is fleeting and I am not ok. I’m done having babies- but I don’t want to be. My youngest child is six years old and I am just now coming to grips with the reality that I am actually done having babies. Like it REALLY has sunk in. My baby. My last. He has no idea how he has changed my life and it is all going by so fast, especially with this one.
He is six.
My youngest. My baby boy. How is he already six? It hit me recently… my last baby.
- It wasn’t my traumatic pregnancy or terrible delivery that brought me to this.
- It is not because I am high risk and SHOULD NOT carry another child.
- It wasn’t my husbands vasectomy that led me to this realization.
It just hit me- that’s it. No more. It’s over.
I will never carry another child in my womb, I will never give birth again, I will never have anymore firsts.
Once I knew that this baby was my last, I looked at things through a different lense.
I am a calmer mother this time around. I cherish little moments. I see things so differently now.
I see all of his firsts as all of my lasts.
- The last first steps.
- The last first word.
- The last first laugh.
- The last first day of kindergarten.
Those firsts become the lasts that I hold on to. That tiny baby, the last one, has a special place in my heart.
While am I still grieving the fact that I will no longer bare children, I am watching intently as he becomes this brilliant, hilarious, ridiculously smart little person.
BUT….
When you become a mom for the first time everyone wants to tell you about all of the things to expect…
No sleep. Breast or bottle. How to handle colic. What their first food should be.
But no one prepares you for what it’s like as they grow up. For the emptiness that you feel knowing that you’re not going to have any more babies. For the mourning and the grieving of your last child growing up.
It’s emotions that I can’t even begin to explain.
I have finally made peace with the fact that he is my last baby. Although everyone of his first’s I know is also the last I will be experiencing, I never have really given it as much attention as I should.
I am not sure when the grieving will end, but I know this- this last baby and all of his firsts I am clinging to with all of my heart.
We should talk about this stage of motherhood more…
What it feels like to make peace with the fact that mothering babies is done.
We should also talk about the beauty and watching them grow up… I feel like that conversation is missed during the younger years. You’re just in chaos… Panic sometimes… Survival mode…
The reality is, watching them grow up is a beautiful thing. But mourning the fact that you have no more babies also seems to be a crucial part of motherhood.
We have to be able to get past that to see the beauty in them growing up.
