It happened again. I was watching my 12 year old twins ride motorized animal scooters at Artegon Marketplace when two ladies sitting on a bench struck up a conversation with me. “Are those your granddaughters?” one asked. “No,” I said with a heavy sigh, “they are my daughters.” Apparently hard of hearing, she repeated the question. In a sharper tone, I responded, “No, they are my daughters.” They looked uncomfortable and awkwardly apologized. I politely accepted their apology and immediately started to write this blog post in my head.
Yes, world, I’m an older than average mom. I first realized this was a “thing” when I asked a nurse the meaning of the big and bold “AMA” stamp on my OB file. Advanced Maternal Age. I was 42 when I delivered twin girls. Technically I could be their grandmother if I’d had a daughter at 21, and she’d had twin daughters at 21.
It’s become a joke with my girls and me, this “grandmother” thing. They actually get angry when it happens because they think I look pretty young for 54. “SERIOUSLY,” they ask, “what is WRONG with people? You do not look like our grandmother,” they say.
Here’s my advice to anyone who feels compelled to strike up a conversation with a stranger – find the filter between your thoughts and your speech. More specifically, here are some do’s and don’ts.
- Don’t make idle conversation based on your assumptions about relationships and families.
- Don’t ask a woman if the children with her are her grandchildren. If you must comment, assume she’s their mom. Let grandma feel good about being mistaken for mom rather than the other way around.
- Don’t ask a mom of twins if they “run in the family.” All twin moms know that’s nosy stranger code for asking about fertility treatments.
- Don’t ask a mom of biracial children if they are adopted.
- Don’t ask a mom with several children if they are all hers. And if you can’t stop yourself from asking and she says yes, please don’t say, “wow, you have your hands full.”
- If you must comment, just say something nice about the children or compliment the mom on her lovely family.
One Sunday my girls and I were enjoying frappuccinos (them) and coffee (me) at our Target’s Starbucks. The woman sitting next to us said to me, “Don’t you just love spending time with your grandchildren?” I paused for a moment and flatly said, “no.” I’m pretty sure she was baffled by my sarcastic response. So I told my daughters that the next time someone asks me if they are my granddaughters I’m going to say, “Wow, I must really be having an off day for you to ask that. I’m their mother.” They laughed and said, “please don’t.” I told them no promises, because that will take a lot of self restraint.
Oh, this hits close to home–I was 39 when my first and only was born. I don’t think I look especially “old” for my 41 years, but I have been asked more than once if he’s my grandson. I just tell people that we had to wait a long time before he came along, but that makes being his mama all the sweeter!
Rachel – great response! Elizabeth
Thanks for posting! I just had my sweet baby girl 4 1/2 months ago at age 45. I know I’m an older mom and am ok with that. I knew that going in to this. For people who know me, it’s no big deal; we’re all going through the same thing. I’ve noticed looks from strangers but so far, only one comment. I corrected him politely and hew as clearly embarrassed. Your tips above are good ones. We love our sweet girl so much and wouldn’t change a thing!
Debbie – congratulations on your baby girl and thanks for the comment! Elizabeth
I get the grandma thing a lot. I had my first at 27, then my second at 36 so AMA. Our third and fourth came along through foster care and then adoption. They are 6 and 5, so I am asked if I am buying for the grandkids, or spending time with the grandkids. If my oldest is with us they think she (20) is the mom!
Kelli
I am the proud mother of a gorgeous little 8 month old, who i had at the age of 49 – which officially makes me the oldest mom ever. The age thing terrified me, but we desperately wanted to have a family so when we found out we were pregnant – we considered it a blessing. Although, throughout my pregnancy I worried what people would say and because of many insensitive comments, I frequently avoid gatherings with family, friends and friends of friends. Since I had my baby, I’ve had more tham a few strangers ask if she is my grandbaby as they can’t fathom an older woman being a new mom. Sadly, there will be others. I love my miracle baby more than anything, but this journey has been emotionally challenging and somewhat isolating.
Older Mom — congratulations on your baby girl. She will bring you joy, happiness, and keep you young! Much of what I wrote was “tongue in cheek” — but what you say about it being emotionally challenging and somewhat isolating is true. Remember the perfect family for you is your family! My girls can’t imagine having any mom but me, and your baby girl will too! Thanks for your comment. Elizabeth
Congratulations on your baby girl! And I don’t know about oldest mom ever, but I’m almost there with you. I have 6 kids, and the last was born when I was 46. The last 3 were all after I was 40. So I get the grandma thing. I just try to assume people are curious and wanting to start a friendly conversation rather than being rude or judgemental. You may find either a kindred soul to strike up a friendship with, someone willing to learns something from you, or, yeah, someone just being a jerk. But don’t hide. The kindred souls are out there, but you need to be where they can find you. I hope you make some fabulous friends on this new journey!
To Older Mom,
I can relate to the feeling of isolation. It helped me when I joined some mom groups. One that I really enjoyed was MOPS. Another was a local one in my neighborhood. I have found that even though I am older, there are some wonderful younger moms that I have become friends with and am learning from. I also seek out and initiate friendships with older moms that I run across. I don’t waste too much of my time with the really immature, young ones. But there are some young moms out there that are old souls! And I have been told by some young moms that they look up to me and appreciate my wisdom. So, you can be helpful to some of the younger ones also!
49! That’s so fantastic! Congratulations! ?
I am the 56 year old mother to kids that are 11 and 14. When I became a mom for the fist time at 41, I knew that I would be older than most moms with kids my age. For me, the value of being older is that I don’t really care what strangers think. I assume that people are being friendly, just trying to start a conversation, or trying to offer empathy. People say many things that others may perceive as offensive when that is not their intent. If they something really hurtful, then I have the opportunity to educate them. And if it is a total stranger, I usually don’t bother. But if it is someone close to us, I want them to be educated so they can respect our family when they are around us. My kids are adopted. I will explain why we call the woman that gave them birth their “birthmom” and not their “real” mom. I explain to them why saying “gave them up for adoption” is not the best way to describe it. But prior to becoming an adoptive mom, I probably would have used those terms also. One of my kids has some special needs. I will explain the best way to talk about the challenges so they don’t hurt my kid’s feelings. I think we need to teach people to be sensitive when and where it really matters. And we should not always assume that people have bad intentions. With all of the ways that my family and my kids are different, we could spend our whole life being offended by what people say. I feel it is important to teach my kids how to feel good about themselves regardless of the comments and opinions of others.
I have 4 kids. Had the first when I was 16 and the fourth at 42 (my kids are ages 27, 18, 8 and 7 months) I also have three grandchildren (ages 7, 3 and 1) that are all older than my baby. My situation is in reverse. I normally get mistaken for the mom of my grandchildren. It’s sometimes very awkward, but I know at some point someone will ask if my son is my grandchild.
Received the comment today for the 1st time..”are you grandma?”. Honestly, I didn’t really even think about it when I was asked. I was so busy concentrating on the task at hand. (Son’s 1st orthodontist appt) Later, during the drive home, it hit me. I burst out in the car, “she asked me if I was grandma”. The irony was that in the waiting room, I had posted on Facebook asking what facial moisturizer people use that is good for sun protection and assists with wrinkle improvement and prevention. Little did I know, I must really need it. I had my 1 & only child at 34-a month prior to my 35th BD. He is now 11. Technically, I know I could be a grandmother at 46 but my child and myself would need to have started young for me to have an 11y/o grandchild. I have laughed and posted a FB video and had a good time with it. God gave me a child when the time was right. I lived with years of infertility. Truth is, it doesn’t matter. We all stick our foot or feet in our mouth from time to time. Plus, I never felt “old enough” to have a baby- much less, think it was almost too late. No one can ever guess my age, so I will take that.
Kristi – love this perspective you shared, “God gave me a child when the time was right.” Agree wholeheartedly!
It can go the other way too. Many times I get sister instead of Mom, which isn’t bad for me but at the same time my sister will be mistaken for Mom for all of us and she is only 14 months older than me. Sometimes when we correct them and let them know that I am Mom my sister will then get called Grandma. It always make me wonder why people have to put other families into neat and tidy categories and not just accept the fact that since we all look alike we are related and are a family.
Exactly KrisD – you nailed it with “makes me wonder why people have to put other families into neat and tidy categories!”
I get asked that all the time. And when I correct them, they don’t even try to hide the shock.
I had my son when I was 47. He’s now 3.
I also have a 24 year old daughter so when we all go out together, people assume he is her son!
They asked her how old he is. She always turns to me to ask” how old is my brother now?”
B – that’s a very cute story!
The whole world has become so sensitive to what has always been considered small talk with a stranger. Simply looking for a common ground to possibly open the door to a new friendship. Honestly me or any other person who asked that question had no idea that a blog would be written about them and how wrong they were to have opened their mouth that day. It really has reached this point when everyone is a stranger and no one is a potential friend?? Its not mean nor rude its small talk. Its not like someone said wow, those pants are a bit small… I was raised by the mom who looked like a grandma. Your problem with people and small talk isnt anything compared to what happens at school when everyone asks as your mom leaves if thats your grandmother. Kids are who are affected by AMA, not you. Next time say nope, they are mine, arent they cool?? Who knows that lady may become your new best friend