Who Is She?

“Who is she?” I say as I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I don’t recognize that woman. She’s a stranger to me. Motherhood has truly transformed me in many ways into someone so different.

I got married at the age of 19, became a mother at the age of 26 and birthed 6 children, one every 2 years. I had a flourishing career in the nonprofit sector that came to a halt when I realized the cost of childcare with my first child. If you knew me before motherhood, you definitely don’t know me now and I’d dare to say I evolve every year. Sometimes I feel like I am on an island alone. As a mom of 6, I struggle with filling my own cup, and it is not the number of children. I have never left my children and struggle just carving out a little “me” time out guilt and shame of needing it. I have no doubt I am also dealing with past trauma of never having my parents around and being raised by grandmother sprinkled in there too.

That woman that I knew changed and morphed through the years and through motherhood. There are days that I long to see her again, her smile, her freedom. That free spirited daredevil that once lived inside me…is she just gone? Don’t get me wrong, I love the me that I am today but there are moments that I wonder what could have been, who could she have become if I had chosen to pursue my career.

I feel like I have punished for choosing to stay home with my children. The job hunt in todays market for a mom has been and continues to be hard. I may not be as shiny as those new to market but boy do not underestimate the power and tenacity of a mother. We are relentless and constantly growing and achieving things like no other.

Maybe next time I walk by the mirror I’ll stop to say hello to her and truly look at her in depth. She may look a little different than I remember her but the one thing that hasn’t changed…is her fire.