Writing about this is some kind of therapy for me, because I don’t feel like I can talk about this to many people…if anyone. I’ve got friends with kids and I’ve got friends who don’t have kids. The latter party certainly can’t understand but of all of my friends with kids, very few my age have just 1 child. If they do, they talk about adding to their families sooner rather than later. Can I be honest? I don’t know if I want more children. This is a scary declaration to make because I don’t want my daughter to be the only child. I have visions of her growing up and enjoying life and experiences with her sibling(s). Part of me doesn’t feel like we are done growing this family but then there’s another part of me that is terrified about having another child.
The reasons may seem trivial, selfish even. While many mothers see more children as added little blessings that bring light into their lives, my first thought of adding another child to our family is “Sheesh…how can we afford it?” Following that is a slew of fears like not being able to sleep again, potentially going through another painful pregnancy, fighting to lose weight and then finding time to work out and then wondering how my passions will be affected by another little being. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be the mom that can drop everything to raise her kids. But I’ve tried that and I’m not that mom. I am me first and then a mother. Motherhood does not define me and I’ve worked hard to feel comfortable about being a working mom and a hands-on mom. It took 2 years but I’m in a rhythm and a groove and I feel good. Yet, I feel this pressure. If we do add more children, I never wanted the age gap to be too close nor did I want to stretch it out to 5+ years. But here I am with a 2-year old and no desire for another baby. I’ve held newborns and felt no pangs of envy or lust. How is this even possible? I don’t miss the newborn stage. My husband feels the same way.
Could it be that we’re destined to be a family of 3? Will I feel sad about this down the line? These questions swarm my head space more than I’d like it too and really they’re rhetorical questions but I’m wondering if other parents go through these thoughts. Am I seriously too selfish to once again give up my body, time and passions for raising another child?
I always knew that I never wanted my son to be an only child, so I had 2. They are best friends and I definitely made the right decision for us.
It’s OK, Brittany. In so many ways, we are soul sisters. We’ve shared some of this in the past, but I was one who never had a desire to have children in the first place. It wasn’t that I was against it per se, but if I had been on my own rather than getting married to a husband who claimed at the time to want kids, I probably wouldn’t have had any! I never regret having my two wonderful girls–they bring so many challenges to my life in good and difficult ways; they give me joy and pain; they make me better and bring out my worst; we’re in this together but sometimes feel so very alone since their dad left when they were 6 and 4. Since he passed away last September, the “I’m in this alone” feeling has gotten worse for me, even though he wasn’t involved with them at all. It’s “strange” in our culture to be a woman first and mother second, but some of us are wired that way. It’s not selfish–in fact, it’s better to be insightful about yourself in terms of your frame of mind, skills, or limits than it is to bring another baby into the world and have regrets. There are plenty of “only children” in the world, and they do just as fine as those kids who have multiple siblings. Give yourself a break and feel blessed, whatever decision you ultimately make! Big hugs to you, friend.
Oh, how I adore you. It’s funny how you have these visions of what you “thought” life would be like and what it ends up being. Like you, I didn’t HAVE to have kids. And even now, I still fight to uncover me in the blanket of motherhood. It’s craziness, I tell you and I know I’ll figure it out. So grateful to you!
Brittany – your post resonates with me. I am an only and always thought I’d have an only – but had twins instead. You are not selfish – you are honest. Bringing another person into the world is a huge decision and you are giving it the serious consideration it deserves. From the perspective of an only of older parents — there are cons but there are many pros that people often overlook. Both pro and con – I had all my parents attention – lol. I did lots of things with my parents that I wouldn’t have done if there had been a sibling (it’s cheaper to get an extra ticket to a play or sporting event than a sitter for one). Financially my parents were able to do things for me that they couldn’t have done with more children. I had a large extended family of aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins to whom I am still close. Yes, there are times I wish I had a sibling. But let’s be real – some of my friends are quite close to their siblings but we all know friends who are not. In fact, I have lots of friends who have zero in common with their sibling. When my parents were older and not well – I will admit it was hard to be an only. But, as a friend pointed out, I was able to do things and make health care decisions without an argument from anyone. I guess what I am saying is that I had a marvelous childhood and an amazing relationship with my parents — so don’t feel guilty if you and your husband choose to have one child.
YES!!! Seeee…there are SO many pros to raising just one child. I mean, my goodness…3 plane tickets? Done! 1 car seat. 1 college tuition to worry about? Wow…I mean, it’s financially sound for our family. And you’re right. I am the oldest of 4 girls through a blended family and we’re just not that close. I mean, we love each other and we played together while growing up but hello, I had friends, too. I don’t buy that “but they can be friends” thing b/c socialization can happen outside of the immediate family, ya know? *le sigh* We’ll see what the cards read. Thanks so much for your input!
I’m with you 100%! We went into having a child planning for one. Plans can change but right now we’re so happy with our little girl and look forward to giving her so much. I’m an only child and I don’t feel that I missed out by not having a brother or sister. Whatever decision you make will be right for your family, don’t feel pressured either way.
It’s nice to hear the pros from an only child. I think there are so many ways that I will love having just one child! Many of the things you listed, too.
Thanks for sharing this, Brittany! You definitely spoke the words that have been on my heart lately, too! My hubby & I share all of your sentiments, so no, you are not alone. *hugs!*
Woohoo! So glad to know I’m not the only one going through this. It seems like such a small and unspoken little community of parents.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with only having 1 child. I have 3, but I KNEW when my third was born I didn’t want any more. I think you just know. I don’t feel that feeling that so many others feel when holding a newborn. Don’t get me wrong- I love OTHER people’s babies, I just don’t want any more myself 😉
You know I feel the same way. We only have one, and I’m scared to have another. I feel like it would be taking the focus away from our boy already and with our crazy busy schedules, I dont feel like he deserves any less attention. Another baby would just pull me further away from him and thats not what I want.
I think everyone has their own feelings and knows what is best for themselves 🙂 I know many families of 3 and families of 6 or 8 and everyone does what is best for their family! You know what is best and that is your choice 🙂 Hugs to you for sharing.
I had decided that 1 was enough for me, but here we are 10 years later and we have 3 total! You do what’s best for you and your family, and that’s how it is supposed to be!
I struggle with the exact same things except I have no children. We tried, it didn’t happen and now I’m older. I feel your pain about a groove and loves and time and selfish reasons. And money. I don’t regret not having them and I don’t ever feel pangs of jealousy when I’m with friends with kids. But every now and then, the sadness creeps in and I feel like I’m missing something. You do you, and what’s best for your family. There is never a right time to have a child, or a second. Or none at all. It’s up to you. Don’t let other norms define you.
Oh my love. I had no idea. *hugs* You get that sadness and you know what I get? Pangs of sadness from my lost pre-mommyhood days. I feel guilty feeling that way but I yearn for the days of when I’d come home from work, not have to worry about dinner and binge watch Netflix on the sofa for hours. I got to do quick trips out of town with very little planning and my husband and I had this fun and expensive dates. Motherhood kinda took all of that and ugh, I miss it. So we have different kinds of sadness’es (haha, is that a word?) but I kinda understand. Love you!
I am sure this is a struggle and glad you can get therapy thru your writing. WE did not have fertility issues but do believe God does things for a reason. Still trying to figure some of these out…