It happened again. I was watching my 12 year old twins ride motorized animal scooters at Artegon Marketplace when two ladies sitting on a bench struck up a conversation with me. “Are those your granddaughters?” one asked. “No,” I said with a heavy sigh, “they are my daughters.” Apparently hard of hearing, she repeated the question. In a sharper tone, I responded, “No, they are my daughters.” They looked uncomfortable and awkwardly apologized. I politely accepted their apology and immediately started to write this blog post in my head.
Yes, world, I’m an older than average mom. I first realized this was a “thing” when I asked a nurse the meaning of the big and bold “AMA” stamp on my OB file. Advanced Maternal Age. I was 42 when I delivered twin girls. Technically I could be their grandmother if I’d had a daughter at 21, and she’d had twin daughters at 21.
It’s become a joke with my girls and me, this “grandmother” thing. They actually get angry when it happens because they think I look pretty young for 54. “SERIOUSLY,” they ask, “what is WRONG with people? You do not look like our grandmother,” they say.
Here’s my advice to anyone who feels compelled to strike up a conversation with a stranger – find the filter between your thoughts and your speech. More specifically, here are some do’s and don’ts.
- Don’t make idle conversation based on your assumptions about relationships and families.
- Don’t ask a woman if the children with her are her grandchildren. If you must comment, assume she’s their mom. Let grandma feel good about being mistaken for mom rather than the other way around.
- Don’t ask a mom of twins if they “run in the family.” All twin moms know that’s nosy stranger code for asking about fertility treatments.
- Don’t ask a mom of biracial children if they are adopted.
- Don’t ask a mom with several children if they are all hers. And if you can’t stop yourself from asking and she says yes, please don’t say, “wow, you have your hands full.”
- If you must comment, just say something nice about the children or compliment the mom on her lovely family.
One Sunday my girls and I were enjoying frappuccinos (them) and coffee (me) at our Target’s Starbucks. The woman sitting next to us said to me, “Don’t you just love spending time with your grandchildren?” I paused for a moment and flatly said, “no.” I’m pretty sure she was baffled by my sarcastic response. So I told my daughters that the next time someone asks me if they are my granddaughters I’m going to say, “Wow, I must really be having an off day for you to ask that. I’m their mother.” They laughed and said, “please don’t.” I told them no promises, because that will take a lot of self restraint.
Thank you for writing this! Had my son at 43 (I had just turned 43), and he’s about to be 6. I want to punch people who ask that… especially Publix cashiers. They need to always assume mom… they always don’t, and it really makes me mad. I am old enough to be his grandmom, but i’m also old enough to be his mom. Get a grip people.
Mary – obviously, I agree. Why is it necessary to make an assumption? I used to just not say anything to avoid that uncomfortable moment when the stranger realizes that they have insulted you, but I don’t do that anymore!
I’m with you. Had my son at 39 and a surprise baby girl last year just before my 45th birthday. ? We live in a small southern town where many people have their children early, so I could easily be the mother of my kids’ friends’ parents.
I try hard not to be offended when people ask if I’m the grandmother. I don’t always/usually succeed. We’re all pretty clueless sometimes and most of the time don’t mean to offend people!
Val – congratulations on your surprise baby girl! You sound like you handle it very gracefully! I’ve had people, when I tell them I am mom not grandma, say things like “really???? how old were you???” It never ceases to amaze me. But it’s a good lesson to my girls on what not to do 🙂
I have been guilty of asking if twins run in the family, but I had no idea it could be taken as “Did you have fertility treatments.” Thanks for pointing this out!! Now I can stop making people feel uncomfortable as that isn’t my intention. 🙂
Jessica – I’m sure everyone doesn’t take it that way —- so please don’t feel badly about that. That’s just my take 🙂 Elizabeth
I’m often surprised at how nosy and inconsiderate people are. I have four kids and I get the “are they all yours” and “you’ve got your hands full” all.the.time. I’ve gotten the grandma comment a few times as well. I’ve had a total stranger ask for a hug from my then 5 year old and act shocked when she refused and backed up. I told her that she doesn’t hug strangers and she seemed offended. GAH! Thanks for the article. I wish everyone would read it.
Thanks Nicole! I’m glad you enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing it 😉 Elizabeth
I refuse to believe that “you’ve got your hands full” is an insult. Anyone managing to raise a child or children inherently has their hands full. That is not to say that their hearts aren’t full or that they are not managing well enough. What would you rather someone say? “Aren’t you fertile?” “Husband can’t get enough?” “You’re a breeder.” I only have one toddler and when someone tells me my hands are full I wholeheartedly say, “yep!” I don’t see why I would take it as an insult.
Abby – you have a very positive outlook 🙂 Honestly, I would rather someone just say, “what a lovely family.” I only have two, but I have a friend with five children who tells me that when people see her large family and say, “wow you have your hands full,” it is more often than not accompanied by a less than complimentary remark about the size of her family. In other words, it’s more judgmental. Of course occasionally it is said in a positive way!
I confess to being a “nosy stranger” who asks about twins, but not by wondering if they “run in the family.” I instead broach the subject of my own IVF and how easily we could’ve had twins, too. Why? Not because I’m nosy, but because I want to strike up a convo with a fellow infertile-turned-mom like me. So next time a nosy stranger asks about your twins, they might just be opening the door to a conversation that you’ll both feel good about– finding a kindred spirit.
Lydia – that’s a good point! I’m more talking about complete strangers who strike up a conversation in line at the grocery or at a Starbucks – people I will likely never see again. Just me personally, but I would never discuss my personal life with someone like that. I would feel differently if someone in my life asked that question – maybe a fellow mom at school or someone that you are right – might be a kindred spirit. Thanks for your perspective! Elizabeth
Girl… I am a 2 time winner of the “oldest mom in the maternity ward” — #2 was born when I was 39 and #3 when I was 42. I FEEL YOU.
It’s worse for my husband, because his hair is white.
Also, we live in a community that ranks very high in teen pregnancy. I’m OLD here.
Mary – my husband looks much younger than he is – but he gets grandpa on occasion – not as often as I get grandma. 🙂 Elizabeth
I am the “baby” of 5, and my mom was 43 when I was born. There is a 21 year age gap between my oldest sister and I, and all 3 of my oldest sisters were out of the house by the time I came along. My mom got the “grandma” title quite often, and the most memorable came when I was in 4th grade. I had half a day worth of medical appointments and got to school later than was originally planned, so my mom had to bring me to my classroom. When she brought me to my room, my teacher said “Oh! You must be Dani’s grandma. So nice to meet you!” My mom just smiled, put her arm around me and said “No, she’s all mine!”
sounds like my hubby. He was the surprise baby when parents were 42 and 50 and his three older siblings were 21, 17 and 13. His parents made the best of it by joking that he was their “do it yourself” grandchild. But they definitely did do preschool dropoff with one of their son’s friends having a child in the same school.
Danielle – great story! Your mom sounds awesome! Elizabeth
Usually I find that behind even the dumbest comment, people are trying to be nice. I think we need to take the high road & have a kind answer ready for stupid behavior.
Courtney – I do try to do that, but sometimes I fail. I simply do not understand why people feel it’s necessary to comment and pass judgment (because many times that is what they are doing) to virtual strangers. Most of the time I am nice when I say “no, they are my girls” but — when someone persists with questions, it becomes difficult to stay polite. I’m never rude, but I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t go out of my way to make someone feel OK about their comment. I used to say things like “yes, I was older when they were born” or “I can see why you think that” — but no more. And I get that people don’t necessarily mean harm but that’s the point I am trying to make – just don’t make assumptions. Just say something nice. But – I appreciate your more kind response! Elizabeth
My husband is a proud daddy of our sons, my husband age much older than average dad age (and I’m in my mid 30’s when I had our first son)and often gets ” Are they your grandsons?” question and that upset him. I suggested him instead of smile and be quiet to avoid further conversation and might say something he should not, let them know they are his sons.
Our children are biracial and look more like my husband’s racial than me. I know one day someone will make a smart comment about my boys and my polite sarcasm might just come out.
Being parents is not about what age you should be, but about your readiness of become parents. If you are ready in your 20’s, great! If you are ready in your 30’s, great! If you are ready in your 40’s, great. Because you know being parent is the biggest commitment you will ever make in your entire life and the children don’t come with return label that you can ship them out after they draw all over your new furniture with the marker that you have been searching for a week and don’t understand why some object just disappear in the thin air hahaha.
Am – thanks for your thoughts! It’s hard sometimes when someone catches you off guard. Elizabeth